Our Bakery Closed!!!

Sad news today when we went out for our Saturday Morning family ritual....a ritual we've had since Jeremy and I were first married. We love to go on Saturdays and have breakfast at this super awesome little european bakery called Rocky Creek Bakehouse. They have yummy coffee, pastries, rolls, muffins, and amazing fresh baked bread. As soon as you walk into the old stone and brick building with tall ceilings and wooden rafters, you are immediately transported to another place and time as the aromas of freshly baked bread and coffee fill the air. It is such a wonderful escape from everything normal...where you can sit and chat over a couple mugs of coffee and cinnamon rolls or chocolate filled croissants (my favorite.) We've gone since before we were even pregnant with Walker and we've taken him since he was itty bitty...and by now he even has grown to love it! We pulled in the drive this morning only to find an empty parking lot and a totally empty building! We've known for awhile that the couple who own it have wanted to just get out of the business after doing it for almost 15 years, but when we were there just last week there was no mention of the close being immediate. We were so disappointed! Guess we'll have to find a new place for Saturday mornings! Here are a few pictures of memories at Rocky Creek!

We don't have any recent pics of Walker there, but as you can see...this place has been a favorite for some time. So farewell delicious bakery...we will miss you and all the yummy memories we made because of you!

Bubbles and Leaves - Nov. 15th

So there have been a few good things about this week so far. I bought Walker's Christmas outfit which i am very excited about! He will be so cute i can hardly stand it. I will post pictures later...can't ruin the surprise for now though! We also found a super cute pair of Christmas jammies for Walker yesterday when we went to the outlets in Gaffney with our friends Emily and Cort. We drove up yesterday morning and came back by lunchtime. Then we went to playgroup with Abby, Avery, and Caleb. Hopefully one of their mommies can send me some pics that they took yesterday and i can post one of those as well. The babies have gotten so funny calling each others' names out. They all 4 associate one of their names with the group. So if i say, "let's go see Abby," then Walker will say "Abbee, Aveeey, Cadeb" even if we'd just see Abby. It's really cute...and what's especially funny is that all of them do it! Anyways, Walker totally got screwed up on his nap schedule yesterday, but seems to be making up for it today...it's 3:45 now and he's been asleep since 1!

I took Walker to Mother's Morning Out today. He goes 1x week and really loves it. WHen we first started going he'd cry when i left, now he reaches for his teachers and gives them kisses immediately. I'm glad he likes it so much...it'd be hard to leave him Screaming every week....but i guess some people do it.

While Walker was at MMO I went to the dentist to get this thingy to keep me from grinding my teeth at night, and then i had to go to the OB for a check-up from last weeks D&C. Everything checked out alright so i was glad about that. They apparently test the tissue they remove to make sure that there weren't random things in my body that could've caused the loss of the baby like cancer and other stuff i didn't know of. Anyways, everything was ok, so that made me glad to know. It was weird to be in the office though today...just strange feeling since last time we were there we found out about the baby. Let me just say while i'm on the topic, that my OB is AMAZING! Dr. Keller at Piedmont OBGYN. She is so compassionate and wonderful. She has made this experience as painless from the medical end of things as it could possibly be. Her encouragement and empathy have been so valuable to me and i really don't know how to begin to thank her for the kindness and understanding she's shown us throughout this whole process. Definitely some of the Lord's goodness coming out through Dr. Keller...we have been so thankful for her.

So...we've had some firsts the past few days in our family. Walker has now taken a bath with BUBBLES! He is addicted! Check out this crazy kiddo! He LOVED them! Now when we've been going upstairs to take a bath if I ask him what he would like in his bath he yells "BUBBLES" over and over til he's been assured that he may have them. It's really fun. He's figured out that he can clap his hands together and make the bubbles go all over the place, and he thinks it's funny to get a handful of them and i'll blow them in his face. It is really fun! So thank you Mr. Bubble for finally making a sensitive skin bubble bath...everything else has fragrance which makes him break out. I'm so glad that this fun thing can now be a part of our life!

Another fun thing we did this week was jump in leaves! I hadn't even really thought about that this fall because we really don't even have enough leaves in our yard to bother raking. Thankfully our friends Steve and Miranda had TONS! Miranda called and asked if we wanted to come over to play and jump in them and i almost didn't do it because i had some errands i needed to run. It was a beautiful day though, and i thought...what in the world...memories are not made running errands, but they are by jumping in leaves. We had a great time. Walker did thing that they were "itchy" but he did pretty well. Took a bit for him to realize that he could throw them, kick them, and fall down in them though. Here are a few photos from that experience.

Alright, this is actually being finished on Friday even though i started it yesterday. I'll have new pics to post from today though...but that will have to be on it's own posting!

A new week, and some fun pictures

For those of you who are just getting on here... If you're short on time, then read the previous post from yesterday. It's a better picture of our life lately. Thanks for taking the time, for being a part of our lives, and for remembering us in prayer (if that's something that you do.)

So, Today is Monday and i thought that this week would start totally fresh....like i'd be able to move beyond the events of the past 10 days. I don't know why i thought that was a realistic expectation. It's not.

We had our Memorial service for the baby on Saturday and i had somehow convinced myself that i'd have "closure" and be able to just go along with life. My mom asked me today if i had anything planned for this week or if i was just going to "get back into the swing of things?" I don't know that you ever lose a person in your life and just hop back into the "swing of things." Kind of a ridiculous idea...sorry mom.

Anyways, i titled this that i was going to write something happy, so really, i just want to put some pictures of Walker and talk about all he does. In addition to a strong will and disobedience, he also does a whole slew of really funny things. He now tells us that he loves us which sounds like "wuv ooh" and before that he began to say "much" which he still tells us. We always say "i love you so much" and he just started telling us "much." I really like that. (This picture was a couple of weeks ago in the mountains in NC. Walker LOVES being outside!)

When he pushes cars around the room he lately has started saying "bus" and makes a vrooom sound followed by a"chush" sound....like what a school bus sounds like when they activate the breaks...i don't know that i've ever paid that much attention to the sounds of a bus...but he apparently has. He is obsessed with the school bus, garbage truck, and any sort of construction vehicle which he either calls a "digger" or a "tractor." He also thinks that the shopping carts for the elderly or handicapped at stores are tractors...he points at them and loudly yells "tac TOR" any time we see one...i always hope that those people riding them don't know what he's saying.

He also now announces when he passes gas...."toot toot" he says. My mom said he pointed it out to her a couple of weeks ago when she thought she'd snuck one past him. At least they were just in her yard...

Walker was a cowboy for Halloween. I'll post a picture now so you can see. I made him chaps and a vest one afternoon to make him really authentic looking. I don't know that he was authentic looking, but he was definitely cute. Don't you agree?

Also, here are a few more fun pics of the little guy. He's just so great! We are so thankful to have him. Doesn't make the loss of the baby any easier, but it does make us painfully and joyfully aware of the miracle that life really is. I mean, really...what a gift, what a blessing, and something that we could never do on our own. If anyone ever tells you that God doesn't do miracles anymore...open your eyes....the world is populated by miracles.

Just a couple of fun pics from October. Walker loved "punkens" and we loved watching him get excited about them! Also just a little snapshot of our family at a Halloween/ Fall party we had...with our little buckaroo!

Well, I think that i'm done for today. I think i'm getting the hang of this thing. Kinda fun...an online journal i guess. Don't know why the concept has taken so long for me to catch on to!

Our Family's Loss

Ok, So here goes nothing. We decided to start this blog thing in May but haven't written on it at all since then, so i thought i'd go ahead and get this thing really going. Unfortunately the thing that i've been prompted by isn't a happy thing.

On Thursday November 1st, 2007 we had our 12 week ultrasound at the OB's office and we were absolutely devastated to learn that our sweet baby's heart had stopped beating in the last 24-48 hours. Our little one measured 11wks 6 days and i was suppossedly 12 wks 2 days at the visit. The doctor was shocked and we were crushed. We left the office feeling unprepared for the news we received and unable to fathom why God didn't want us to have our baby as scheduled....as planned. I have since determined that nothing in life is routine...and if i hadn't grabbed onto the idea before now, nothing really ever goes as we plan it either.

The last week and a half has been kind of a blur. The several days after we found out about the baby, several friends came by to sit with me so i wouldn't be alone. We are so thankful for those friends...so thankful. On Monday we had another ultrasound which confirmed what we already knew...it was so sad. My body was shutting down around the baby since there was no longer life to sustain. The doctor had to do some stuff to get me ready to have a D&C the next day as well...it was very painful, and emotionally hard. Tuesday came and we went to the hospital to have the procedure done at 10:30. We sat there awhile and finally about 12:30 they wheeled me back to the OR. I was so afraid, emotional, and uncomfortable with the whole process anyways. Jeremy had to wait in the room i'd been in, so i was by myself....not under anesthesia yet...too aware of everything going on. I had the most amazing nurse...Rebekah, who told me she'd lost a baby, encouraged me with scripture, and was just so kind. When all the doctors and nurses were prepping me for the procedure, i started to cry and i looked over to the side and saw Rebekah standing there sort of waiting her turn i guess. I asked her if she would hold my hand and she said of course and immediately came over and held my hand and kept saying over and over "I'm right here, i'm not going to leave you." As the anesthesia took effect, those are the last words i heard...from Rebekah, but i believe that's just what God wanted me to know...he's right here, he's not going to leave me.

After it was done...i cried. It was over, our baby was gone. I will not see it until we get to heaven. That is very hard. The life that ended before it was time....before i ever got to know it or hold it. Too early.

We ended up being in the hospital for several hours longer than expected because i had some complications. I was so tired and woozy feeling from the anesthesia and pain meds. They had to give me something else to make me stop bleeding and it made me really sick as well. It was a long afternoon...a long day....a long several days. But still i don't think i'm going to wake up any time soon and feel like it's all over. I don't know that i'll ever feel like it's all over....

Wednesday i was on the sofa really dizzy and sick feeling. Friends were here to help with Walker because my mom had to leave that morning(she'd been here Monday and Tuesday.) It was a hard day...so final. And then, more bad news. Our dear friends had a 20wk ultrasound and found out that their little boy has a fatal condition and she will have to carry him to term and he will die shortly after birth if not before. Thanatophoric Dysplasia it's called. Horrible...just horrible. More to grieve....i wasn't prepared. I'm still not...but then again, i don't think anyone was or ever will be for that sort of news...

Please pray for our friends. You can keep up with them through their blog if you want. I know that they would covet your prayers for a miracle, for healing, for grieving, and most of all...for life. Here's their site: http://www.cortmcgowan.blogspot.com/

Last night we had a memorial for our baby with some of our closest friends. It was a really special time for us to recognize the life, the loss, and the goodness of God in the way that he has taken care of us both physically and emotionally. We still have a long road ahead, but it was good to all get together for that, to have some dinner, and in the end, just some good quality fellowship too. We gave everyone a CD with some songs that have helped and are encouraging. Check these songs out...for a bad day, a stinky situation, or just a general reminder of our God who has not and will not forsake us.

Psalm 34:18 –“ The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Glory Baby - Watermark
Deliver Me - David Crowder Band
It is Well - Aaron Keyes
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
If You Want Me to - Ginny Owens
Small Enough ­- Nichole Nordeman
The Valley Song - Jars of Clay
Where Are You Now - Aaron Keyes
Never Let Go - David Crowder Band
Cry Out to Jesus - Third Day
Who Am I - Casting Crowns
Grace Like Rain - Aaron Keyes
Remedy - David Crowder Band
You Are Good - Nichole Nordeman
Your Grace is Enough - Chris Tomlin
How Great is Our God - Chris Tomlin

I'm convinced that the thing we have to do now is to focus on God's goodness in life. There's been a lot of badness around lately and it would be easy to be swallowed up by it, but i think that God calls us to focus on his goodness...to do whatever we can to extract every tiny bit of good from even the bad in life....to keep focused on the prize...which isn't my unbroken dreams, but God's unfulfilled work in me....his plan for my life, and the hope of heaven. I guess that's what it's all about....like, when we feel like we're so dependant on God that we're almost starting from scratch...maybe that's just where he wants us...so dependant that we're living from scratch...no preconceived ideas of what I want life to be, but a focus on what he wants my life to reflect....which ultimately is more of Him.

So that's it...i've done it. My first official blog post. I guess this is how to do it huh?

And before i finish this off....i want to show you some of God's goodness in our life lately too. Walker. He is such a blessing...so fun, so pure, so simple....so so good.

Here we are on the Blog World!

Ok, so this isn't at all impressive, but here we are. We have a family blog now.

Here is Walker having a super awesome time at the beach in Charleston, SC on May 12th. He loved it!