Our Family's Loss

Ok, So here goes nothing. We decided to start this blog thing in May but haven't written on it at all since then, so i thought i'd go ahead and get this thing really going. Unfortunately the thing that i've been prompted by isn't a happy thing.

On Thursday November 1st, 2007 we had our 12 week ultrasound at the OB's office and we were absolutely devastated to learn that our sweet baby's heart had stopped beating in the last 24-48 hours. Our little one measured 11wks 6 days and i was suppossedly 12 wks 2 days at the visit. The doctor was shocked and we were crushed. We left the office feeling unprepared for the news we received and unable to fathom why God didn't want us to have our baby as scheduled....as planned. I have since determined that nothing in life is routine...and if i hadn't grabbed onto the idea before now, nothing really ever goes as we plan it either.

The last week and a half has been kind of a blur. The several days after we found out about the baby, several friends came by to sit with me so i wouldn't be alone. We are so thankful for those friends...so thankful. On Monday we had another ultrasound which confirmed what we already knew...it was so sad. My body was shutting down around the baby since there was no longer life to sustain. The doctor had to do some stuff to get me ready to have a D&C the next day as well...it was very painful, and emotionally hard. Tuesday came and we went to the hospital to have the procedure done at 10:30. We sat there awhile and finally about 12:30 they wheeled me back to the OR. I was so afraid, emotional, and uncomfortable with the whole process anyways. Jeremy had to wait in the room i'd been in, so i was by myself....not under anesthesia yet...too aware of everything going on. I had the most amazing nurse...Rebekah, who told me she'd lost a baby, encouraged me with scripture, and was just so kind. When all the doctors and nurses were prepping me for the procedure, i started to cry and i looked over to the side and saw Rebekah standing there sort of waiting her turn i guess. I asked her if she would hold my hand and she said of course and immediately came over and held my hand and kept saying over and over "I'm right here, i'm not going to leave you." As the anesthesia took effect, those are the last words i heard...from Rebekah, but i believe that's just what God wanted me to know...he's right here, he's not going to leave me.

After it was done...i cried. It was over, our baby was gone. I will not see it until we get to heaven. That is very hard. The life that ended before it was time....before i ever got to know it or hold it. Too early.

We ended up being in the hospital for several hours longer than expected because i had some complications. I was so tired and woozy feeling from the anesthesia and pain meds. They had to give me something else to make me stop bleeding and it made me really sick as well. It was a long afternoon...a long day....a long several days. But still i don't think i'm going to wake up any time soon and feel like it's all over. I don't know that i'll ever feel like it's all over....

Wednesday i was on the sofa really dizzy and sick feeling. Friends were here to help with Walker because my mom had to leave that morning(she'd been here Monday and Tuesday.) It was a hard day...so final. And then, more bad news. Our dear friends had a 20wk ultrasound and found out that their little boy has a fatal condition and she will have to carry him to term and he will die shortly after birth if not before. Thanatophoric Dysplasia it's called. Horrible...just horrible. More to grieve....i wasn't prepared. I'm still not...but then again, i don't think anyone was or ever will be for that sort of news...

Please pray for our friends. You can keep up with them through their blog if you want. I know that they would covet your prayers for a miracle, for healing, for grieving, and most of all...for life. Here's their site: http://www.cortmcgowan.blogspot.com/

Last night we had a memorial for our baby with some of our closest friends. It was a really special time for us to recognize the life, the loss, and the goodness of God in the way that he has taken care of us both physically and emotionally. We still have a long road ahead, but it was good to all get together for that, to have some dinner, and in the end, just some good quality fellowship too. We gave everyone a CD with some songs that have helped and are encouraging. Check these songs out...for a bad day, a stinky situation, or just a general reminder of our God who has not and will not forsake us.

Psalm 34:18 –“ The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Glory Baby - Watermark
Deliver Me - David Crowder Band
It is Well - Aaron Keyes
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
If You Want Me to - Ginny Owens
Small Enough ­- Nichole Nordeman
The Valley Song - Jars of Clay
Where Are You Now - Aaron Keyes
Never Let Go - David Crowder Band
Cry Out to Jesus - Third Day
Who Am I - Casting Crowns
Grace Like Rain - Aaron Keyes
Remedy - David Crowder Band
You Are Good - Nichole Nordeman
Your Grace is Enough - Chris Tomlin
How Great is Our God - Chris Tomlin

I'm convinced that the thing we have to do now is to focus on God's goodness in life. There's been a lot of badness around lately and it would be easy to be swallowed up by it, but i think that God calls us to focus on his goodness...to do whatever we can to extract every tiny bit of good from even the bad in life....to keep focused on the prize...which isn't my unbroken dreams, but God's unfulfilled work in me....his plan for my life, and the hope of heaven. I guess that's what it's all about....like, when we feel like we're so dependant on God that we're almost starting from scratch...maybe that's just where he wants us...so dependant that we're living from scratch...no preconceived ideas of what I want life to be, but a focus on what he wants my life to reflect....which ultimately is more of Him.

So that's it...i've done it. My first official blog post. I guess this is how to do it huh?

And before i finish this off....i want to show you some of God's goodness in our life lately too. Walker. He is such a blessing...so fun, so pure, so simple....so so good.